I’ve learned some valuable lessons in my time working with the public.
As a teenager I worked retail (didn’t we all??) and later on as an esthetician. But I have to say the most challenging and rewarding members of the public I’ve worked with was at a hearing clinic/doctor’s office.
Of course health care brings out people’s anxiety in ways that a broken blender out of warranty doesn't. I was the first and last face patients saw when they came to our office, and I saw it all.
The plus side is that I met kind and wonderful people every day. The downside – rude, abusive behavior – really challenged me to grow. Here are five lessons that changed my perspective and helped me deal with the public day after day.
1) People’s rudeness or politeness usually has nothing to do with you
Every day at the clinic was ripe with opportunity for things to go wrong. You name it – it happened.
Some people would fly off the handle because the doctor was ten minutes late. Or they would leave scathing voice mails because no one returned their call within five minutes, no joke!
But other people who had every reason to be frustrated would treat me with respect and understanding. Someone would drive for over an hour to our clinic only to learn that their test results weren’t in. And we’d laugh about it together!? They’d chuckle and shake their heads like here we go again, and leave the office with an attitude of adventure – what other crazy things will happen today? I was in awe of these people.
I wondered how come some days when I drop the ball, I get respect and appreciation? And other days when I do my very best, I get yelled at!
Finally I learned that people’s rudeness or politeness had nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with them!
Everyone chooses how to respond to frustrating situations. It is an alterable behavior that takes a bit of awareness and practice. The rude people in this world are rude because that’s what they know and that’s what they think is acceptable. And the kind people in this world are kind because that’s what they learned and, more importantly, that’s what they choose to be. In both cases, their behavior is a decision that doesn’t hinge on your actions.
Learning this lesson helped me to stop walking on eggshells. I stopped thinking that I could make someone treat me well if I just tried hard enough. And I stopped asking myself what I did wrong when I got blasted by someone.
Some people are living life with a green light to abuse anyone. I was just one of many in their path. That helped me to relax and focus on doing my job as best as I could. Other people’s reactions really are their own problem.
This lesson also helped me chose what kind of person I want to be when things don’t go my way. Watching grown adults throw temper tantrums pretty much made the choice for me.
2) People usually hurt others because they’re in pain themselves
Imagine this scenario... A woman leaves her house twenty minutes late for her appointment. She doesn’t check a map, hits every red light on the way, and misses the turn into our clinic twice. Inside, she slams her purse down and practically throws her ID card at my face. She snaps at me when I ask her to sign our consent form. So far, things are going real well...
Sadly, this kind of thing happens. Now and again, we’d get someone who was like a Tasmanian devil of negative energy!
Everyone at the office saw an inexplicably rude person lashing out for no reason. But the lesson I learned is that there is always a reason, and it usually has to do with pain.
Let’s say this woman believes that no one can be trusted. She feels like she's been stepped on her whole life. Her best laid plans gets steamrolled by an uncaring world. This perspective might not add up with the present facts. But it doesn’t have to. She could be reliving some unresolved childhood trauma.
So what if her perspective seems totally out to lunch? Pause and really imagine living life from that viewpoint. Everyone deceives you and steps on you. You’re inferior.
Is it any wonder that you would lash out at the nearest person?
With the exception of sadists and sociopaths, most people don’t hurt other people unless they’re in pain themselves.
The friend who deliberately embarrasses you in public might feel inferior and forgotten by the group. The bully who beats on the little guy feels powerless and insignificant. Inferior, forgotten, powerless, insignificant. These are very painful states of being.
It doesn’t matter if that person’s perspective doesn’t match the facts of the moment. People might seem to overreact by comparison to the situation around them. But they never overreact to the belief in their heads. If you really believe you’re powerless and inferior, you’ll react to that big time. Probably every time you’re reminded of it.
I learned that most people lash out from within their painful state of mind. This doesn’t excuse their behavior or free them from consequences. But this lesson helped me have some compassion for the meanest people. It was still hard to deal with them for sure! But putting myself in their shoes made it sting a little less.
3) The most entitled often feel the most victimized
You hear all the time how entitled everyone is in our Western society. It’s usually linked to traits like self absorption and lack of courtesy. But in my experience, the people with the biggest sense of entitlement see themselves as victims.
At the clinic, some patients made the most outrageous demands... Like we reopen at 8:00 p.m. just for them (when we close at 5:00 p.m.). Or that we call every lab in the city for them to find the shortest wait time. Over time, I learned that these demands weren’t coming from a place of superiority. These patients were desperate to right the eternal wrong of their lives in some small way.
Imagine we all have an internal scale of ‘personal justice’ that’s based on our own experiences. When five bad things happen in a row, we somehow believe and expect that the sixth thing has to be good. Or else we've been cheated!
Imagine a young mother who hasn’t slept well in days, who’s pulled in all directions by her kids’ after-school programs, and whose car broke down. She shows up at the clinic and demands that I give her a weekend appointment when our office hours are Mon-Fri 9-5. This type of attitude is rooted in victimhood. Her line of thought is that after everything she’s endured, she’s entitled to this break at the very least. The world owes her this much for her suffering.
I learned the lesson that entitlement is often victimhood in disguise. This helped me set a limit to how far our clinic would bend over backward for a patient. And it helped me see past the outrageous demands to the person underneath.
4) How you treat others has nothing to do with them
How you treat other people is not a reflection on them but on who you choose to be. This lesson takes patience and practice for me every day.
There were times when I’d stand across from a patient who was rude, abusive and made me feel like garbage. And I’d be thinking, Why should I lift a finger to help him? This guy is a jerk.
But then a little voice would say, Yes he is, but you’re not.
Sigh.
I’d stay calm and try to reach an understanding. Not because he defeated me with his abuse. But because I choose to respond with tact to rude people. That’s who I want to be.
The lesson here is do not become what you hate.
If you can’t stand rudeness but you dish it right back, you’ve become the very thing you dislike so much. The only difference left between you and a jerk is who started it.
If you’re dealing with the public, it’s important to ask yourself what kind of person you want to be when things go wrong. The hard part is sticking to it when you’re boiling over with angry comebacks. I’ve been there many times.
The lesson I learned here is that you shouldn’t treat others based on who they are. Treat them based on who you are, and who you want to be.
5) If you can’t grow thick skin, get away from the public
The lessons above helped me cope with the worst of the public and they will serve me for the rest of my life. But the greatest lesson I learned is that you can’t force yourself to grow a thicker skin.
Some people already have a thick skin and things seem to just bounce right off them. I appreciate those people but I stopped being envious of them. I stopped seeing my sensitivity as a flaw that needs fixing. Because it is a perfectly natural human response to feel sad and upset when someone belittles you.
I decided to stop working in an environment where my sensitivity was my handicap and I started treating my sensitivity and vulnerability as a gift instead.
Over time, it seemed ludicrous that I ever tried to plaster it with a thick layer of don’t care. That’s just not me. This final lesson is one of the reasons I quit working with the public.
Now I have fond memories of the kindest strangers I’ve met. I keep them as examples of who I’d like to be.
And the rest I let go...
If you’ve read this far, then I’m guessing you’re looking for some tools to help you deal with people you'd rather not.
Just know that if you’re really struggling, it’s okay to be sensitive. You don’t have to have a thick skin. If you find yourself trying to change who you are just to survive your job, it’s time to look for other work.
I’m happy to share my growth with you! And I’d love to hear your experiences with the public, good and bad. Please share what you’ve learned in the comments below. I’ll certainly read them and – you never know – your comment might really help someone else!
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