OK, listen. I know that the title of this article can make moms get their backs up, but hear me out.
About 7 or 8 years ago, this new helicopter mom thing was "in." We saw a lot of moms becoming hyper-focused on raising their children in a safe, sterile, non-impacting society. But, over the last few years, a "Helicopter Mom" has become a sort of taboo and becoming labelled as one can make a mother feel insulted, judged, and cause them to second-guess their decisions. And I get it - I get all of it.
I think that most mothers have the immediate instinct to be a helicopter mom. I know that when my son first started school, whenever he told me about some kid being mean to him, the first thing that came to my mind was marching into the school and demanding the child be removed from the school. Crazy, right? But it's what I thought. We want to protect our children, especially when they're so young. These little people, who we initially grew in our bellies, are now, at such a small, vulnerable age, being thrust into the waters of civilization and are expected to learn how to navigate these uncertain, nonsensical world events. Yes, the teachers are there, but 1 teacher per 10 kids is low, and trusting that that one teacher will consistently ensure your child is being protected - both physically and psychologically - at all times is difficult to fathom. Honestly, even just writing this, I am filled with so much anxiety, I'm contemplating going to my son's school, picking him up, wrapping him up in my arms and never letting him go for as long as I live.
But let me ask you one thing:
What is your ultimate goal in raising your child? What is the ONE THING you want for you child?
I bet I know the answer! Say it out loud and I'll guess it without even hearing you. Go ahead!
You want your child to grow up to be a responsible, confident and productive member of society. Am I right? I'm right, aren't I?
We all have this idea that as long as we perfectly map out every move our child makes, everything they're exposed to, everything they eat, everyone they play with, that they will turn out to be these amazing adults who become successful and happy. Well, I have news for you - it's not going to happen. I'm sorry, it just won't. Not if you keep expecting to "helicopter" your child.
Here's the thing - smothering your child (yes, that is a synonym for helicopter) is only going to cause him/her harm. Yup, it's true!
Now, I'm not a child psychologist, and I'm not claiming to know everything about how their brains function, how to raise the best person possible, or even claim to know the answer to the nature vs nurture question, but I am a writer, which means by nature, I am extremely observant, analytical, and inquisitive.
Hear Me Out
My entire life, I wanted to be a mother. At the same time, my entire life, I was this meak, shy, self-conscious child who couldn't make one decision on her own without having to ask 14 people for their opinion before deciding. But in my life time, I have met thousands of people. And in meeting them all, I have come to know some who are very good people with good heads on their shoulders, who navigate through life as if it were melted butter - but had it rough. And I've met some who have great families, lots of money, a beautiful home but yet are insecure, co-dependent, and unable to surmount any obstacle put in front of them. I've met really good kids that come from really horrible neighbourhoods. I've met horrible kids who come from the suburbs. And so although the question of nature vs nurture is still not totally answered in my mind, I think I have come up with a pretty good conclusion - it's nurture.
I say all this because, at the end of the day, who your children become isn't about the people they associate with, the violence they may accidentally catch on TV, the granola bar they dropped on the floor and ate without even blowing it off first, or becoming disappointed because they couldn't get the toy they wanted or someone at school called them a poopy head - it's about how their parents made them feel, whether their parents gave them tools to navigate through life, how their parents taught them to stand up for themselves, and so on.
So I will say it again - STOP BEING A HELICOPTER MOM. Doing so will only damage your child, his/her future, and do nothing but do the exact thing you're desperately trying to avoid.
My Reasoning
My husband sent me this article this morning, which was my starting off point for the one I'm writing now. It's called "The Case for the 'Self-Driven Child'," by Gareth Cook. Quite frankly, I didn't even need to read the article; this is how I have been raising my child since day one. Yes, it's hard and I have had a few slip ups, but I try as best as I can to raise my son by allowing him to feel like he is directing his own life (whether he actually is or not).
Before I get into this, I will give you some examples on how "helicoptering' your child can be so extremely harmful (if you want to determine whether or not you're a "helicopter mom" check out this link):
You can instill a sense of irrational and unnecessary fear in your child that can be detrimental to every part of his/her growth and well-being.
You undermine your child's ability to fend for themselves - and as they get older and we become less involved in their lives, this can cause some major problems
You undermine your child's ability to properly deal with their emotions
You undermine your child's inability to resolve conflicts in every day life
You create a sense of insecurity in everything they do
The list goes on and on, but the #1 thing you do to your child by being overbearing and overprotective is tell your child that, no matter what happens, you don't trust them.
In parenting, this is the most basic, yet most undervalued thing we can give our children. If our child doesn't think we trust them, then not only do they feel they can't do anything without your supervision or acceptance, but they develop a low sense of self-worth, a low sense of security, and most of all, low self-confidence.
That being said, being a non-helicopter parent in today's society doesn't go without its own judgement. Many people assume that because children are children, they need to be constantly protected, and yes, they do, but from a distance. I am huge on letting kids learn from their own mistakes, even if their own mistakes cause physical harm to themselves. Example: I was nannying one time and these two kids were arguing over a belt with a metal buckle. My instinct was to tell them no, but instead, I sat on the edge of the couch and watched them. I was within arm's reach so if something happened I'd be there in an instant, but I wanted them to not only resolve their issue on their own, or - worse come to worse - learn that playing with a belt with a large metal buckle probably isn't wise. Yes, learning that last lesson may result in an injury, but nothing life threatening. But do you know what ended up happening? One of the kids let go of the belt just as the other one was tugging with all his might. The one tugging fell hard on his bum as the belt went flying. But, to my surprise, instead of having a complete melt down, the one who fell started laughing. Thirty seconds later, they were off playing with Lego. There was no potential for a serious injury here, and the lesson they would learn would far out weight the possible 2 minutes of crying the injury may incur.
Here's another personal example of how I have trusted my son (albeit begrudgingly) to decide when he was ready for something:
My son was soother-obsessed, as well as bottle obsessed. I have since learned that this is a form of oral obsession which is a symptom of a lack of feeling safe. Some children, as mine was (and I somehow knew it from the day he was born), are simply born with a need to feel safe in every situation of their lives. As such, my son's soother obsession and bottle obsession were tools he used to feel safe when mommy and daddy weren't there or were unable to provide him with this feeling immediately. And although that sounds heart-breaking, the fact that he had tools to make himself feel safe without needing mommy and daddy is a sign that he was capable and willing to find things outside of his "cocoon" to help him feel safe.
However, when he was about 2, I was getting a little anxious about the fact that he still had a soother. There was nothing wrong physically (his teeth were fine), but I felt this wordless judgement in other mothers when my son would walk around the grocery with a soother in his mouth. We tried all the tricks of the trade, but nothing could expel the damn silicone nipple out of his mouth.
But then one day something happened - we were down to one soother (like I said, I tried everything), which he had in his mouth, and he suddenly got up, said to me, "Mommy, I don't need this anymore." And he walked into his bathroom and threw it out. Just like that! I actually took the soother out of the garbage when he wasn't looking, because I didn't think this was going to last. But it did! He just decided one day that he was done with it.
That being said, he continued with his bottle. He was about 3.5 or so and was still having a bottle of milk at night. Again, his teeth were fine (I'd even taken him to the dentist and he said that my son's teeth were perfect and as long as they continued that way, he could have his bottle for as long as he needed it), but again, we had tried everything. The biggest reason I wanted it gone was because about 3 nights our of 7, he would wake up looking for it, and I would have to get up and get him one before he would go back to sleep. One night, I had sat up with him for 2 hours while he tantrumed over not having his bottle, and no matter how many times we tried this, he never forgot about it.
One day, I was talking to my mom and I told her about my fears, and she said, "Well, all I can say is that he won't be going off to college with a bottle."
She was right. One day, he would have to give it up. So I set myself a limit - if by "said" age he wasn't off the bottle, I would take it into my own hands, but my son had been forever proving to me that he would do things on his own damn time and I should just back off. And sure enough, a few weeks later, he said he'd had enough. He wanted a "big boy" cup at bed time, and that was that. He never asked for a bottle again. He did the same thing with potty training, the same thing with learning to skate, the same thing with learning to swim - he just does things on his own damn time and nothing or no one is going to make him do anything before he's ready.
There are so many smaller examples of how kids need to be able to take some of their life decisions into their own hands, and I'm definitely not going to take credit for it because if I'd been able to stand the tears and the screaming, I'd have taken both away on my time, but I couldn't do it. Especially not when I realized those were tools he used to feel safe, and once I realized that no amount of stress, forcing, or frustration would make him do anything until he ready, I realized there really was no point.
Here's my concern with taking your child's "safety" away before their ready: When I was two, my parents took my soother away - they bribed me with a shiny new doll. I let her take my soother away but within days, I'd stuck my thumb in my mouth and I didn't let go for another 5 years. Because of this, the roof of my mouth actually formed around my tongue and I have a severe under bite that has cause jaw problems in adult-hood. I don't blame them my parents at all - they were younger then than I am now so they probably had no idea, but when my parents took my soother away when I wasn't ready, I needed to find something else to comfort me, and this caused more damage then the soother may have.
There are other areas in which parents tend to intervene when we really should be letting our kids figure it out on their own. I will mention here though, that just like everything in life, this is a balancing act. It involves using your logic and your instinct to know when you should be intervening and when you should just be letting your kid be a kid and figure things out as they go along.
1. Conflict resolution: Kids have this innate need to tattle. It drives me bonkers. I can't stand a child who comes to me every 5 seconds because someone breathed on him too hard, or someone took their toy. When a child becomes an incessant tattler it's because they lack the confidence in resolving their conflicts on their own. I have a rule in my house: Unless you're bleeding or broken, I don't want to hear about. Obviously, I do have exceptions. For example: If there are three kids playing together and two of them are constantly battling with the third, chances are the third is tired of playing what the other two are playing. Knowing that the kids still lack the necessary logic skills to fix this problem, I will go down and set the third kid up with an activity to do on his or her own until the other two are ready to cooperate
2. Bullying: I know, I know. Bullying is a huge taboo right now - there's the anti-bullying campaign and other anti-bullying rallies and so on, and please do not think that I am against all that. I was bullied from grade 6 to grade 9; when I was 11, I considered ending my own life. So I get it. And as parents, when this happens, our initial instinct is to march into the school and take matters into our own hands. And YES, there are definitely times when you should be doing that - especially if the bullying has become physical. However, keep in mind here, I am talking about children between the ages of 4 to 7, at this point, it's very rare things become violent.
My son was "bullied" in preschool (he was coming home with marks on his body from being hit, pinched and bit), and my husband and I took it in our own hands. My son was three, so he was hardly expected to be able to navigate this all on his own. But when Jr K came around and he struggled the whole year with being bullied by one particular kid, we realized that we can't do this for his whole life. We did end up having to go into the school a few times: once because he was actually stabbed with a pair of scissors in his classroom (no blood was drawn) and the second time because my son had become physical with this same child.
The reason, however, that my son had become physical with this child was because we had decided to implement our own coping skills besides just "walk away." It urks me to my very core when a child (especially as they get older) are told to walk away. Do you know what walking away does to someone who is being bullied? It puts a target on their back. A bully never respects a kid for walking away, it just makes the bully try that much harder to get his attention. And yes, maybe one day that bully will decide that he's had enough and that no matter what he does, he won't get the attention he wants, but how far is he willing to go before he comes to that conclusion?
Anyways, I digress. My son got to a point of getting stabbed with a pair of scissors because the school has chosen not to take the issues we were having with this child seriously. Although we'd always told my son to first use his words and then get a teacher, and although he had tried this multiple times, he still ended up getting hurt. So, we came up with a new game plan. It was a three-step plan (this is in a situation of non-physicality). First, he tells the kid he doesn't like it and to go play with someone else. Second, he is to tell his teacher. That should be the end of it. The children should then be separated and watched closely. However, if that doesn't work, that means the teachers aren't doing their jobs in protecting my child, and so then my child has my full blessing to end the situation.
To those who are anti-aggression, this may seem harsh and there are a lot of people who don't condone hitting to any extent - but, let me ask you, if your child was being continuously physically abused by another child and the institution who was supposed to protect him and keep him safe wasn't doing their job, would you simply want you child to lie down and take it? What message is that sending your kids? What message is that sending the other kids? There is nothing wrong with taking matters into your own hands, there is nothing wrong with giving someone a little jab in the nose if they don't relent - it's society who has made such a big issue about aggressive behavior because bullies are the ones who typically deliver this type of behavior. But let me ask you another question....if you were in a bar and someone just walked up to you for no reason and punched you in the face (cause that's generally how it happens with 4-7 year olds) would you just turn around and walk away or tell the bartender? No, you would probably punch him/her back. So why should we expect anything less from our kids?
Now, like I said, like in everything, there is a balance. Children need to know there are boundaries - you don't start a fight, you finish it. You don't go from no steps to step three... but this is all apart of being a parent - giving them tools and expectations to take their lives into their own hands.
3. Let them feel. I will be the first to admit (and so will my husband) that this is the one I struggle with the most. It is so so so important for your children to be able to feel emotions - disappointment, hurt, embarrassment, isolation, loneliness, and the list goes on. Loneliness and embarrassment are the two I struggle with the most - just by the way he stands, I can tell when he's feeling embarrassed and the only thing I can think of to do is to wrap him up and shield him from the world. But I can't do that, because one day, he will be out in the world without me and if he's never learned how to deal with feelings or humiliation or loneliness, those feeling could literally break him.
4. MAKE THEM DO CHORES. When I have kids over who don't know how to put their garbage in the garbage can on their own, who can't flip their socks right side out, or who leave the lunch table without putting their dishes away, I feel bad for them. It means that at home, they are not being given the tools to do these things on their own. And although it's nice that these kids have the ability to focus on homework and play, they are also missing out on some pretty valuable life tools. Chores gives kids two things: A. a sense of immediate responsibility and accountability and B. a sense of place within the family. Knowing a certain thing in the household cannot function without them ensuring it's completed will give your child a sense of control and appreciation within the family unit, which can largely increase their self-esteem.
5. Allow your child to receive criticism. Allowing your child to receive this negative attention - although it may break your heart and break theirs, too, they - once again - need to gain the tools to learn how to deal with this. Cause I will tell you one thing - they WILL get criticized when they start working, and if they can't control their emotions after being criticized by their boss, they won't last long. Also, being criticized doesn't always have to be negative. They will not go through life being praised around every corner; they're going to have to learn how to accept and ingest constructive criticism. That doesn't mean that if a teacher is being irrational or over-the-top, you shouldn't step in as your child's advocate, but again, use your judgement.
My son once came home telling my husband and I that he was struggling with something to with his teacher (I honestly can't remember what it was), and, as usual, I wanted to go all Beverly Goldburg on the teacher, but instead, we sat my son down. We told him, if you're having these feelings, you need to go to your teacher respectfully and tell her your concerns. You say, "Mrs "Blank", I know you want me to do blank, but I can't because blank and I need your help." And if you feel like your teacher has heard you and it's still not fixed, then mommy and daddy will come in and help. Yes, it's hard - for both you and your child, but the earlier you give them these tools, the better for everyone involved.
Here's the thing: Yes, these kids are little, and no, they can't be expected to know how to do all these things on their own; no they should not be expected to have all the answers. But if they aren't taught these things, then they will never be able to do them. One of the main origins of the word "parent" is "to bring forth," which means to raise," to cause to come into a particular position" (Oxford Dictionary). In essence, this mean to guide and to teach. If you Google the word "parent", nowhere does it say, "To protect with your whole being." Although that's what we would like to think and though the majority of us would move hell and earth to protect our children (me being one of those people), there are certain things that, if I follow my mother-bear, will actually be the exact opposite of protection. I may be protecting them in the moment, but I will be inhibiting them long term.
Personally, I think the best time for children to learn these important life skills, to learn how to take charge of their own lives, is when they're still very young because they still have their parents as their safety net. Rather than waiting until they're thrust into the world with no coping skills, let them learn these tools while they have their safe bubble right beside them. I'm not saying treat them like adults (because they still lack a lot of brain power that has not been psychologically developed yet), but give them adult-sized expectations. In saying that, however, if any of the above suggestions are going to work, not only do you need to show your kids that you trust them, but they need to have 100% faith in you, as well. They need to know, without a doubt, that no matter how many times they fall, you will always be there to scoop them back up - it's like they're the batter and you're the bat catcher.
If your child is given too many restrictions and not enough "freedom" to make his or her own choices, it's not serving anyone any good. The more restrictions we give our children, the more we say no, the more boundaries we give them, the more they feel undervalued and underappreciated. Think of a can of pop as an example, play this game with me. Imagine your child is the can. Every time you give your child an order or make them feel like they have no choices or control in life equals one shake of the can. Now imagine, after a few years, your child will be let out into the world to start to experience life and navigate society and learn how to be a real person, so you're opening the can. One of two things will happen:
1. Your can will completely explode which translates to your child beginning to rebel, to get into things they probably shouldn't, to prove to you that they can make decisions without you (even though their frontal lobe still isn't fully developed and they really can't make proper choices without you) or,
2. They fall flat. And they come running back home, afraid of the world, afraid to stand on their own two feet.
Like I said, I'm not a psychologist, but I have seen enough in my lifetime to see a pattern. If your child is associating with someone you think is a bad influence, don't demand your child break contact, show your child why you feel this way and allow him or her to make the decision on their own. If you feel as though a particular horror movie will give your child nightmares but your child is adamant they want to watch it, let them watch it - they will learn that lesson pretty darn quickly. Give them tools, give them space, but most of all - trust them. You're a good mom/dad, if you've given them all these tools at a young age, by the time they're 13-17 (generally around the time parents start to freak out), they will have what they need to make quality, confident decisions without mommy and daddy.
Let your child grow, let them become the person they are meant to be, don't wrap them in a bubble ball and never let them experience anything, don't allow them to think they are victims to this harsh world, cause you know what will happen? Not only will your adult child not be able to properly function in life, but you'll be stuck with an adult child who can't do anything without you. You've spent your whole life putting all your energy into raising your child, once they're gone into adulthood, don't you deserve to think about yourself for a little while?
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