There’s this new “epidemic” in the newest generation of children called “The Me Epidemic.” The basis of it, according to parenting expert, certified positive discipline instructor, and author of “The ‘Me, Me, Me’ Epidemic – A Step By Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World”, Amy McCready, is that we (parents between the ages of 25 and 40) are raising “entitled” children who feel they are deserving and have a right to certain things in life. These “entitled” children, according to these experts, are unable to do things for themselves, feel the world owes them what they desire, and act accordingly.
Similarly, Richard Eyre and Linda Eyre, authors of the book “The Entitlement Trap” state this epidemic as: raising children who are “entrap[ed] in a life of low motivation and high frustration” and effects parents in creating “a road block to every form of responsibility you want to teach.”
In many of the articles and books I have grazed over, entitled children are, essentially, spoiled brats who expect instant gratification, don’t feel the need to be a part of their family and expect life to be handed to them. There are hundreds of articles online about it, and many, many books. I, myself, borrowed one from the library not too long ago when I was having issues with my 5-year-old’s behavior. In fact, it was Amy McCready’s book that I borrowed. I am not a huge self-help book reader and I often find that I can rarely get through the introduction, let alone the entire book – and perhaps I would gain more from the books if I could just skip the entire part where the author is attempting to prove to me that their “theory” is justified and works. Anyhow, I read the introduction in this book, and I think I may have even made it to chapter 2. In it, she insists that children are only really "entitled" to three things: love, food, and shelter. Initially when I read it, I agreed with some points and I thought that perhaps limiting the things I allowed my son to think he was entitled to would help him become a more successful adult (and save me the frustration).
But then I started thinking – what really is wrong with our children thinking they’re entitled?
Now before you get all up in arms, hear me out. The Oxford dictionary defines the actual word of entitlement as: "the fact of having a right to something.” Entitlement is about being deserving of something, and perhaps, in essence, McCready is correct in that the only real thing children have the right to have are their basic needs met: clothing, shelter, and food. And I can see how the notion of allowing children to think they are deserving of anything other than their basic needs, and how this can "create" children who are temperamental, disagreeable, and just down-right rude, but I don't think it's because they feel entitled, I think it's because they're spoiled and bratty.
Entitlement, according to the Oxford Dictionary, is feeling deserving of things - point finale - there is nothing mentioned about wanting things but not wanting to work for it, or not understanding the concept of earning vs spending, or lack of understanding that good things come to those who wait.
Perhaps I am arguing semantics here, but I do have a point, and that is that I think children should feel entitled to everything the world has to offer to them.
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I am a mother to a now 6.5 year old only child. My husband and I love him more than anything on the planet, we basically cherish the ground he walks on. And we are fortunate that we have been blessed enough to be able to offer him some things that not all children are fortunate enough to receive (and doing everything in our power to ensure that he is not limited in anything that will help him develop his love and skills for the sport), and yes, we have gotten into the habit of buying him many of the things he desires…but not whenever he wants it. Our son also has a lot of “mechanical toys” – a 4-wheeler, a dirt bike, and the ability to purchase a new street bike whenever his breaks or he outgrows it. He has been allowed to play with his friends whenever he feels he wants to, he often gets to choose what outings we go on, what movies we see at the movie theater, and even sometimes what we have for supper. Just reading this, you're probably assuming he is spoiled (he is) and that he acts"entitled." Well...he doesn’t.
Allowing him to have these choices and opportunities gives him a sense of power, a sense of being able to make independent decisions, to take control of situations, to give him a sense of confidence in himself and his environment. And as he grows and starts going out into the world more and more without us, having this sense of empowerment and self-confidence will only serve him well, will allow him to believe that he is capable of doing anything, that he deserves anything he feels he wants. The difference, however, between a spoiled brat and an "entitled" child is that my child knows he deserves whatever he feels he wants or needs in life, but he understands that it does not come without hard work.
Here is what the Eyres have to say about children having a sense of “entitlement”:
“A sense of entitlement (which is the polar opposite of a sense of responsibility) is endemic among children today. It is fostered by our demanding, narcissistic society where wants are confused with needs and everyone seems focused on the notion that he deserves what everyone else has. Gone are the days when kids expected to have to work for something, even for approval. Everyone gets a trophy now, everyone is recognized, and everyone is special. Kids grow up in a reality show world, thinking of themselves as the central character on the stage. They have a Facebook page, they are famous in their own minds, they are like rock stars, and to them there is no room (and no need) for true emotional empathy, or self-examination, or personal responsibility. Now is there much incentive or motivation to learn to work.”
There is so much I want to dispute in this blurb, but I will choose the three that make me feel like I might have a stroke and then I will explain why I think it’s good for kids to grow up with a sense of entitlement (in the traditional version of the word).
First of all, as per traditional definition, entitlement is not the polar opposite of responsibility; in fact, the opposite of entitlement is disempowerment (keep this in mind later when I explain my opinion).
Secondly, “gone are the days when kids are expected to have to work for something, even for approval,” uhhhhh, what? Why should a young child have to work for approval? Although I 100% agree with the comment about everyone getting a trophy; however, a don’t agree with the notion that a child should have to work for the approval of his or her parents. Although I don’t think we should be praising their every little move, I also don’t think that they should be concerned as to whether or not they will get our approval. They should expect us to be proud of them, they should expect for us to give them compliments and praise them for a job well-done, and they should be able to feel loved – regardless of how little or how much work they put into something. After all, children crave approval because it is part of being loved.
And lastly, similarly to Amy McCleady, the Eyres blame society for this epidemic. Although they ultimately blame the parents for feeding into this "epidemic", McCleady says it’s not the fault of the parents (they are overcompensating for how they were raised) and the Eyres only blame the parents for enabling children and their “entitled” ways, not for creating it in the first place - because, after all, it's society's fault.
OK, ENOUGH. I am so, so, so sick of people blaming society for the issues in their homes. Video games don't create serial killers, your kids' friends don't determine how they act, society is not creating entitled children. The only thing that matters in the grand scheme of things is how children are being raised in the home. If you think your child is being raised "entitled" then stop giving him or her everything he or she wants when he or she wants it! Stop giving into their every whim! Stop teaching them they can treat you like shit and get away with it! Stop playing the victim and raise your child!
Here's the thing: Before I had my son I always thought I wanted him to be raised like the kids from the Cosby Show (let's hold the obvious retorts until later) - one of biggest things I remember from watching the shows was how strict the parents were, how they consistently reminded them that their money was theirs and not their kids', that the house they lived in was theirs and not their kids', how the bedroom their kid lived in did not belong to the kid, it belonged to the parents and they were just lending it to them. I thought it was such a unique way of raising your child - showing them that they neither own or are entitled to anything until they have proven they deserve it. But now that I have had my child and I have assessed some of my own insecurities, I realize this is probably the worst way to go.
Kids already feel like they have no control over anything - they don't get to decide what goes on the grocery list, they don't get to buy things whenever they want (they have to rely on their parents for money - and the guilt that comes along with asking), they can't drive themselves anywhere, they have to live within this tiny box their parents have created for them, they don't even feel as though the space in which they live - their little haven with their bed and their personal belongings - belong to them. What is the point in that? Why would we want our children to feel like they don't own anything, that they don't deserve anything?
Here's What Happens
I will tell you what happens when they grow up to be adults and feel like they don't deserve anything - they feel like they don't deserve anything. They spend their entire adult lives knowing what they are capable of doing, knowing they are smart, ambitious, driven, good at what they do, but they feel like no matter what they do, they don't deserve to reach the top. Is that what we want to teach our children?
Yes, I agree that all children should be taught that if they want something they have to put the work in - they need to figure out what they want and how they're going to get it and then work their asses off for it, but teaching them that they don't deserve more than the basics in life will not teach them this. Teaching them that they have to work for their praise is only teaching them that love is conditional and that unless they are willing to be 100% all the time, they won't receive the love and appreciation from the people to whom they look up to the most in life.
If you ask me, the "Me, Me, Me Epidemic" is more about parents being lazy, passing the buck, and not willing to admit that they have a fault in what is happening. You don't need to strip your kids down to their bare bones and tell them that unless they work for it all the deserve is shelter, food, and water, because that just makes them feel less-than. I mean, who is to say you deserve more than that? Sure, you've got a nice job, but didn't Suzy Whatshername help you get the job and the only reason why you're still there is because no one really notices you're there in the first place? Does that mean you deserve to be there? So why do you feel "entitled" to show your children that they shouldn't receive certain things in life unless they work their asses off?
I teach my son that although they may have metals to give out at the end of the tournament, they will only give them out if you work as hard as you physically can (which is a different level per child). I teach him about the value of money by telling him that sometimes I just don't have any, I tell him when I'm broke, I tell him when things are too expensive - I don't sugar coat, he understands that sometimes things are just not within reach and that if he wants it for himself, he will have to help out. He knows that life comes with responsibilities and that you won't always like the things you have to do in life - but does he feel like he deserves to have those nice things? He sure as hell does! And I wouldn't want it any other way! I want him to think he deserves to have that high-profile job. I want him to feel like he deserves his dream house, or his dream girl, or his dream life. He deserves it - whether or not he gets it is up to him, but he deserves it nonetheless - and not because he feels entitled to it but because this is life and you deserve anything the world has to offer you, you just may have to work for it.
Take it from someone who has gone her entire life feeling as though she doesn't deserve anything, that she will never amount to anything no matter how hard she tries, that good things don't come to those who wait or to those who work hard but to those who have connections and good luck; living a life where you don't feel entitled to things is the worst kind of life. Allow your children to feel like they deserve things in life, just teach them that they have to work for it, but don't teach them that they're not entitled to it. Change your language - your child is not acting "entitled" they're acting like a brat, and you're the only person who can change that - take responsibility for how you're raising your children and stop blaming society. If you feel like you're "entitled" to having well-behave children, put the work in and raise well-behaved children.
It's that simple.
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