In the day-to-day hustle of our lives, it's easy to get caught up and consistently ensure our kids are eating their veggies, doing their homework, brushing their teeth, using their manners....Ugh, I'm tired just thinking about it. As a mother to a 6-year-old, there are a lot of factors that can get in the way of me connecting with my son. First of all, he's a boy, secondly he's 6 and although I remember a few things from when I was a kid, I really don't remember the day-to-day thinking processes of a 6-year-old, plus all the other life factors that get in the way.
I do find, however, that if my son and I go too long without finding time to connect, we start butting heads. Everything he does drives me nuts and he develops an attitude problem. For a long time, I lived on the "reaction/action" principle - the way I react to something he does will then dictate his actions following. And although that does work for the majority of the time, it involves me taking the time to think about my reaction and thus predicting his reaction. But when we get so caught up in in our lives and all the things on our to-do list, we sometimes forget to take that time together - or even realize we're craving it.
Throughout my son's 6 years, I have come to learn that "bonding" with him really isn't that hard - it's not about spending a lot of money or planning extravagant activities, it's so much simpler. And not only does it help us connect, it also helps increase his self-worth, his self-confidence, and satisfy his place within our family.
I know some of you may roll your eyes, thinking, "I have three kids - how am I supposed to ensure I have alone time with each of them all the time?" Well, it's not like that. It's literally a handful of things that take 5 minutes each. If you do one of these things every few days, you won't believe the change in your child's attitude towards you - and towards themselves.
Here are 7 simple ways to bond with your child:
Ask them to explain something to you. My son wants to be a "construction builder" when he grows up and he loves explaining things about construction to me. Sometimes he does surprise me with the things he knows (in fact, he taught me what a Boom Truck was), and although sometimes I know what he is telling me is wrong, he is so proud of himself when he explains these things to me that I don't want to burst his bubble and tell him how it really is - I mean, imagine you explaining something to someone you respect only to find out you're wrong; it's bubble-bursting. For example, I found wet, full toilet paper rolls in my son's cupboard in his bathroom (hmmm, I wonder how that happened), and I asked him about it. I said, "It's weird, nothing else in the cupboard is wet, so there can't be a leak." Then he went into a 10-minute explanation about the pipes and what they do and where the water comes from. He went totally off-track and started showing me the little metal piece that moves when you pull the plug handle on the sinks (I will admit - I'd never seen that before). He was so proud of his explanation - he's so used to being told what to do and having me or his dad explain things to him that being able to explain something to me just made his face light up. Yes, he was lying, but so what? He was using $2 worth of toilet paper to experiment with something, and he learned something in the process. I also have a rule with lying (taken from a dog trainer), that unless I catch him in the act, I don't discipline his lying, mostly because I need there to 100% certainty that he is lying - but that's a story for a different day.
Ask him questions about his show. I'm going to be totally honest here, I couldn't care less about the dynamic between the PJ Mask kids, let alone what their names are and what their powers are, but he loves to explain it to me. I discovered this one day by accident. We were sitting down watching TV and I had been working since he got home from school, so I decided to sit down and "watch" his show with him. But the furniture we had at the time wasn't suitable for more than one person to sit on at a time, so we were sitting separately. I felt like we hadn't connected all day, so I asked him what all the names of the Paw Patrol dogs were (even though I knew) and he explained it to me with all their names, including what color they are and what they do. A few days later, we were watching Paw Patrol again (Netflix is great isn't it?), and I noticed this little grey dog with an 80's headband I hadn't seen before. I asked him what her name was and he told me; along with where she came from and how annoying she is. Now, he doesn't even need me to ask - he loves telling me about the plots and characters of his favourite shows. And although there are times where I really don't care that Papa Pig is the mud-jumping champion, when I seem engaged and ask him follow-up questions, he gets so animated and excited.
Draw. I don't know about you, but I can only color in a coloring book for so long - not to mention my son isn't huge into coloring. But, he has recently picked up an interest in drawing. Although I'm not an amazing drawer, I do find it pretty soothing. My son often likes to try to copy things I've drawn, so when we first started this, he would get really frustrated and I explained to him that it was because he was looking at my picture as a whole, and not line for line like he should. Since then, I've actually noticed a difference in other parts of his life - where he doesn't look at it as a whole but as "line per line." It's also really increased our conversation and I really enjoy being able to share my creative side with him.
Get your child to fold socks. We always assume that kids don't like to do chores, but those who haven't tried may be surprised at just how much kids love to help. I'm a bit anal about my folding (I'm forever re-folding my jeans when my husband does the laundry - but don't tell him that!), so I don't often let my son help me fold, but I do let him "fold" (or "ball" may be a better term for it) the socks. I start by ensuring all the socks in his pile have matching pairs (because no one wants to deal with the melt down that comes when one sock is left over), and while I sit on one end of the couch and he sits on the other, we fold laundry and talk. It makes laundry a lot more enjoyable for me, and it gives something for him to feel proud of - for accomplishing something and also for helping mommy.
Invent something. This one involves you shutting down your adult brain and delving into the child brain just for a few minutes. One of my son's favourite things to do (which I don't get him to do enough) is to give him a bag or a box full of s-crap (left over ribbon, scrap fabric, paper, paper towel/toilet paper rolls, buttons, pipe cleaners...whatever), a thing of tape or glue (we prefer tape) and telling him to invent something. Then I sit down beside him and I invent my own thing. It's really cool some of the things they can come up with that seem so out of the blue but is something they've known of or understood for a while but you just never tapped into that part of them. But be warned: there are two reasons why I say you need to turn off your adult brain: 1. Because if you make something "nicer" than theirs - they will freak out and 2. It feels so good to just be able to be ridiculous and put whatever you want wherever you want without worrying what it looks like - it takes the stress and anxiety out of crafting - and when he wants to glue a button on the bottom instead of the top of my "building," I won't get bent out of shape about it.
Play a video game. I know, I know. Most of us don't want to allow our children to spend more time in front of the screen than they already do. However, we can't deny that for most kids, playing video games is an every day occurrence. My son just recently got into playing video games (yes, I managed 6 years without it! haha), and of course it's hockey. One night, we were sitting on the couch (very rare that I actually have time to sit) and he wanted to play his game. I thought - I could sit with him while he plays his game and I scroll through celebrity news on my phone or I could sit there and pretend to be interested in what he's doing while I'm secretly counting down the minutes until bed time - OR, I could play with him! It had been a long time since I'd played hockey on any video game, but I thought - what the hell! So I asked him if I could play. At first, he was skeptical - he's never seen me play a video game so he wasn't sure I would do it justice. But he let me play and within 30 seconds, I had scored a goal. He was so excited, he jumped up on the couch, ruffled my hair and screamed, "GOOOOOOAL" at the top of his lungs. After that, he sat directly beside me and cuddled while he continued to play - and we took turns. That night, bed time was a dream and I think he told me I was the best mom in the world at least 3 times.
Surprise them. My son is obsessed with hockey; every day he is begging me to either play or "shoot" on him (which involves him getting all decked out in his goalie gear and me mindlessly shooting puck after puck at him), and honestly, there are days where I would rather pull out each eyelash, one by one, then to shoot on him for 30 minutes - after which time, if I score too many times, he gets upset. But one day, I got home from work and could hear him and my husband in the basement. At that moment, I knew I had two options: I could go right into the kitchen and start cooking supper, look through my son's bag, and make a list of all the things I had to do that night...OR I could run downstairs, grab a stick and shoot on him for a few minutes. So, I put all my things down, and still wearing my work clothes, I literally ran down the stairs, marched over to the hockey net (where my stick was), but said nothing and had a stern look on my face. For a second before he registered what was happening, I think my son thought he was in trouble. But then I grabbed my stick, took my hockey stance, and said, "I'm gonna kick your butt." The smile that grew on his face at the moment is something I will never forget. We only played for about 10 minutes at the most and then I did go up and make dinner and do all the things I usually do when I get home from work, but that one thing had set the mood for the rest of the evening and instead of fighting over homework and chores and bath time, my son did as he was told - and even volunteered bath time!
Bonding with your kids doesn't have to be a chore, and it doesn't have to be boring. Although it's difficult sometimes to get out of your to-do-list head space, it would do you both a wonder of good to be able to just take some time and connect on a different level. Showing your child that you appreciate and respect his/her interests can only do good for your relationship - and can save you a lot of frustration in the long run..,and all you really need is 5 minutes.
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