I was talking to two women today who are pregnant, both of them due within 6 weeks of each other. I, myself, have a 6-year-old son. As "veteran mothers" (I know all of us feel that way when we have older children and speak to women who are just beginning their families), we have a tendency to want to tell every expecting mother what we know, what we have been through, what we have learned. And as they asked me a bunch of questions about the birth of my son, about some of the issues the few weeks after giving birth in terms of adjusting, the things your body does and so on, I felt the need to tell them what they needed, how to do things, and how to prepare - and I did give them unsolicited advice when it came to swollen ankles, my "theory" on infant behavior, and what's it's like to be a first time mom and having everyone around you also give you their unsolicited advice.
And as we were talking, I mentioned to them that I have a blog but when I attempted to explain to them what my blog was about, I stopped for a second to think before I said that my blog was about supporting other moms - not telling what they should do, about how they should do it, but to simply talk about a lot of the "taboo" topics a lot of moms don't want to talk about for feel of being judged or criticized.
As I spoke to them, I came up with an idea for an article - I would do a "listicle" about some "survival" tricks I had learned along the way - like how to get over the 45-minute napping hump, what to do if your baby is constantly spitting up after eating, how to sleep train without crying it out, and I even told them I would write an article specifically for them and to look out for it.
The problem is that when I sat down to write a list of all the tricks I had learned while going through the stages of infancy, I realized that all these things I had learned were specific to my son, and specific to me. They were specific to my son because not all babies have trouble surpassing the 45-minutes napping hump, not all babies spit up half their bottle when they finish, not all babies need to be "taught" how to sleep. Likewise, not all mothers have issues breast-feeding, not all mothers want to know how to sleep-train. Every single baby and every single mother is different - so what is the point in giving these little tips and tricks in the event that these two moms may one day need them?
New moms are so bombarded with "trips and tricks" - every mother has something to pass on and inform a new mom and new moms get so overwhelmed with this information that when it comes to taking care of their baby, they feel lost - as though they should know what to do based on what everyone has told them. Not all moms are confident in their roles as mothers (and that's 100% OK), some moms need hand holding for the first few weeks, some moms feel like they have it all under control the second they bring their child home so I am not going to waste your time giving you tips and tricks that you may never need to use.
Here's What I Have To Say
I am, however, going to give you (and hopefully the two expectant moms I spoke to today) three extremely important pieces of advice that I wish someone had said to me before I had my child, in the first few weeks after having my child, and the first few months after having my child.
1. Know who you're talking to and take everything everyone says with a grain of salt
2. Your baby will be fine
3. It doesn't last forever.
1. Know who you're talking to and take everything everyone says with a grain of salt
Here's the thing, when your kid hasn't slept in three days or won't take the boob - whatever - you become desperate and people whom you normally wouldn't go to for advice, you find yourself running to because you're at a point where you will take anything to alleviate the stress.
The problem is, however, not everyone is "qualified" to give you advice about your baby. Talking to your mom is an amazing thing when it comes to support and understanding - after all, she raised you. That being said, she raised you 20-30 years ago, when seat belts were a suggestion, drop down cribs were the norm and sugar water was suggested to sooth tummies before "unscheduled feeds". Alternately, your best girlfriend who had a baby only 6 months ago has just been through it all and it's still fresh in her mind - but her baby is not your baby, and alternatively, you are not her.
It's really the best feeling in the world to have people around you who have been through what you're going through and can offer support and advice but that doesn't mean they're always right. And in the first year, it isn't necessarily about the difference between babies, it's the difference in how you feel about raising your child.
For example, I read the book The Baby Whisperer which I have heard a lot of people swear by. In the book, she advocates for the cry-out method and explains how it helps your child learn to soothe itself and whatever else. And although at the time, I hadn't slept in nearly 4 months and I was getting desperate, some of the things she was suggesting I just didn't feel comfortable with. I don't at all judge people who have chosen the cry-out method, because it has successfully worked for some families, but it didn't work for mine and it wasn't something I was willing to push until it did. It didn't work for me, it didn't work for my husband, and so ultimately, it didn't work for my son.
In the end, it was his personality that made the difference - and although it took me a little longer to figure this out than it probably should have (and I may have figured it out sooner if I wasn't so consumed with ensuring he was doing what was expected in the "mommy world"), he does things on his own time - when he's ready. So once I figured that out (when he was 2.5 and after months and months of trying, he just got up one day and threw his soother in the garbage) it allowed me to take the stress off of myself about when he would FINALLY be diaper-free, when he would FINALLY let go of the bottle....he did it when he was ready. That being said - my mom did say something to me that I have carried with me all these years when I called her concerned about his bottle: "He's not going to go to college with a bottle." And it's true - he threw it out when he was 3.5 and decided it was time.
All I'm saying is: Ask! Ask as many questions to as many people as you like but when you get your answers ask yourself these questions:
1. Does this person's parenting style match with mine?
2. Am I comfortable with the suggestions this person is giving me?
3. Do these suggestions go against all medical advice I have received (as in - putting maple syrup on a soother - PLEASE don't do this!)
4. From what I know already of my child, would this even work?
2. Your Baby Will Be Fine
Again, this was something I wish someone had told me when I had my son. I had a hell of a time breastfeeding, but I was stubborn and determined to do it - for many reasons, but the largest ones were because people told me it was the better thing to do, I was worried I would ruin his health if I chose to stop breastfeeding, and because people very close to me insisted that I would "get it" eventually.
Well, I never got it. And I spent many, many days in tears because it just wouldn't work. I felt like a failure because I couldn't give my child what he needed, I resented my newborn baby because he wasn't doing what I had expected him to do, and I took longer to bond, and ultimately fully love, my son because I was so focused on ensuring I could provide him with my milk that I missed out on some crucial bonding moments (thankfully, it didn't affect us long-term). Instead of worrying about whether or not I was producing enough milk, instead of being stubborn, instead of not being able to just let it go, I should have accepted the fact that we weren't meant to breastfeed. I should have breastfed him 20 minutes on each side (as recommended) and then supplement and moved on with my day, instead of sitting on the couch for 2.5 hours hoping he would get enough milk to be full (which he never did).
At the end of the day, he was fine. He's almost 7 years old, weighs 68 pounds, is solid muscle, plays competitive hockey (along with baseball, golf and soccer) and has maybe one cold a year. HE'S FINE.
This goes along with so many other things:
"If your baby doesn't get enough sleep, his brain won't develop properly": BOLOGNA: HE WILL BE FINE
"Don't let your kid eat any kind of solids until he's 6 months, no matter how hungry he seems to be": If your kid seems like he's ready for solids at 4 months, try it - HE WILL BE FINE
"If you co-sleep, your baby will never learn how to soothe itself and will never grow up to be independent": PLEASE! HE WILL BE FINE
Stop worrying so much! Babies are resilient, they know what they want and aren't afraid to tell you - just listen to your baby: watch his/her signs, pay attention to what she/he is trying to tell you, and - most of all - listen to your gut. Sod what everyone else thinks and do what is right for you - Your Baby Will Be Fine (And so will you!)
3. It Doesn't Last Forever.
Yes, the first year can be long and tiresome and tedious - you may feel like your days are melding in together and that your life is just full of dirty diapers, spit up, and crying - but I'm telling you now - it doesn't last forever. Seriously - if there is any piece of advice I can ever give you it's that it doesn't last forever.
For many parents (myself included), when you're having a hard time getting your kid to learn to sleep and you feel like you haven't slept yourself in weeks, just remind yourself - there will be a time when this won't even be an issue anymore. There will be a time when your child crawls into bed by him or herself, kisses you goodnight, goes to sleep, and sleeps through the night. There will come a time when your baby will be able to feed itself. There will come a time when your baby isn't clinging to you 24/7. There will come a time where you may have so much free time that you don't even know what to do with yourself.
Yes, having a new baby is hard. Having a new baby means you don't get to shower as much as you did, you don't get to eat your supper the second you put it on a plate, you don't get a full night's sleep, you aren't able to get to the store and back in 20 minutes like you did before, or clean your house uninterrupted, or have to ensure you're always in the same room with your kid at all times do he/she doesn't eat the furniture - but in a few short years (or months) your child will suddenly be able to get him or herself dressed without your help, he or she will be able to get his or her own snack out of the cupboard. He or she will be able to ride his or her bike around the block alone. He or she will be able to get up in the morning by him or herself and watch TV for a bit before you get up.
So all those extra snuggles at 4 am, all those times when you're trying to clean and your kid is tugging on your leg, all those times when your kids decides it needs to eat NOW and you JUST got in the car, all those times when you feel like you have a never-ending garbage bin of dirty diapers - just remind yourself that it won't last forever. Eventually, your kids will learn how to do things for him or herself and won't need you as much. Soon he or she will develop their own social circle outside of you, will become a person who needs less of you with each passing day, who gets embarrassed when you kiss him or her in front of his or her friends - so just go with the flow. Stop forcing sleep, stop forcing feedings, stop forcing routine, stop longing for "me" time because at the end of the day, all those issues are moot. Your kid will sleep, your kid will eat, your kid will finds it own groove and you will eventually get back so much "me" time you'll feel lost.
Yes, the first year is hard - but it's only a year. It's 365 of teaching a tiny, little, helpless human how to be a person - and no matter what anyone says - as long as you have that little person's interests first - you and your kid are doing just fine.
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